December 13th, 2004

Subject: sighs Time: 02:10 am

been a while. arm is broken. extremly painful. NO you have no idea. i broke it twice already. The pins are ripping out of the bone and its broke in new spot. The giant metal peices cutting my flesh. i have been doing to much i suppose. ALl out of sadness. I cant get rid of my memories. My brain just refuses to die. i swear i keep killing it with booze. the sweet disposition of mental retardation is appealing. People keep talking and spewing their lies. And the people i think i can trust are deviant lying whore brides of satan. Everything that can be taken wrong or blown out of proportion or context is. I hate the way people respond to things they know nothing about or of or just assume. the lonely feeling is becoming all to familiar. On all sides of myself i am ready to quit. everyone quits on me..or just strings me along. i want to take that string and hang myself. i have seen how easy it is to forget me, hurt me, lie to me, and then leave me for dead. I swear to god. i am going to leave a picture of you right by me when i quit delaying the inevitable. and in blood it will simply say. fuck you. thank you good night.

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November 24th, 2004

Subject: Boogalooo toooo Time: 03:02 pm

i cant tell if someone loves me or not. i hope they do. i miss them even when they are right there. i saw alfie...sort of yesterday. emily we must get those teddy grahams! mary your awesome. i have bent the code for you. life is sucky though. but i am still here for reasons why i dunno. Mt cell phone is shut off. i needs me pills.

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November 19th, 2004

Subject: cut away Time: 02:36 am

i have lost all control of anything that matters to me. i have become what i hate and i have been swallowed by self loathing anger. AN utter devotion to my own destruction. I hate myself so much the stinging pain of tommorrow and all that could have been burns my eyes. The past is just bitter hurt now. I cant even explain it at all. I am always alone. i will always be alone. NO ONE gets me. NO one will ever get me. I am this big pool of nothing. Feeding off the emotions of those around me trying to fit in...but i know my fate. i know my place...i know where i belong... And i know what i must do to right the wrong that life has brought. do you think is oblivion beautiful? i can only imagine the soft comfort that non existence has. i am so dead inside there isnt much left of who i was. i wish someone could save me... actually i wish anyone could save me. I cant save myself any more. I cant do this. I wish i was doing this for attention. i wish i was doing this for a feeling other than what is in my ugly heart. i wish i was not me. i want to erase myself. i want to be deleted. i dont want to continue. i dont want to fuck anything else up. i want to quit. i cant keep this up. i have no strength left. i have no reason. i have no love. i have no talent or skill or imagination or brains or good looks. I curse the day i was born and all the sorrow in this world. i am the center of it. i decided if i just dissapear the world will be fine. i am the source of all problems. this world is not mine. my head is truly broken open. thinking is poison. if i do not manage to survive. i am sorry for everything. i am sorry i left any marks in your lives. no one reads this anyway. but perhaps someone does. atleast i apologized. and maybe good bye. i am like a cock roach.

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November 18th, 2004

Subject: i want nothing. i feel nothing. i am nothing. Time: 06:03 pm

these pills get refilled. death. having the option to vanish. you hate me? good i hate me too.

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Subject: last entry maybe forever Time: 01:06 am

Save me The heavens have opened The storm is over So let's start the parade... Raindrops Will turn to laughter Forever after In your technicolor heartbeat And they say That it helps you forget everything... Sweet charity You drink your poison from a cup of gold Your gift keeps on giving and giving Perfect photographs Of Everest days And postcard nights Tearing through the paper walls of time With sunset eyes Telethons, Grand Canyon hearts You numb your mind With gloves of white and turpentine Even the bombs and scarecrows will sing!!! Sweet charity Save me The heavens have opened And I'm alone Sweet charity Save me The heavens have opened I'm coming home Sweet charity

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Subject: consumption Time: 12:29 am

letting go of something i never really had a hold of. back wards into oblivion. Accept the fate i have been dealt and all my losses are scars on my wrists. Forever branded. The painful reminders of the past. i will let the poison consume me. i will not mourn the loss of my own precious blood spilled. erasing who i am is as easy as you erasing me from your memories. Allowing the silence to be embraced by even me. singing songs that make you slit your wrist arent very much fun. lie down and mark a grave. not just peices of me have died. i am really dead. i cant even pretned to be alive any more. Before you advertise All the fame is implied With no fortune unseen Sell the rights To your blight Time-machine While I'm dulled by excess And a cynic at best My art imitates crime Paid for by The allies So invest Now I'm finding truth is a ruin Nauseous end that nobody is pursuing Staring into glassy eyes Mesmerized There's a vintage thirst returning But I'm sheltered by my channel-surfing Every famine virtual Retrovertigo A tribute to false memories With conviction Cheap imitation Is it fashion or disease? Post-ironic Remains a mouth to feed Sell the rights To your blight And you'll eat Now I'm finding truth is a ruin Nauseous end that nobody is pursuing Staring into glassy eyes Mesmerized See the vintage robot wearied Then awakened by revision theories Every famine virtual Goodbye sober day Hello milky way... May your sun be blown out like a candle May your sea burn like tar May your sky be rolled up like a scroll May your blue moon drip with blood

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November 16th, 2004

Current Music: every breath is a bomb/cecilia - blood brothers Subject: patterns emerge = mathmatecial theory deepening. Time: 03:13 pm Current Mood: i hate this fucking mood shit

SO my ex girlfreind jenny called. IT was nice to hear from her and talk to her since i put distance there for a reason. I hadnt talked to her in a while because well... we couldnt be freinds. heres why - A. we would wind up repeating the cycle of terror destroying eachother playing mind games and fighting or control. the power struggle with her is no longer fun for me- B. start fucking like rabbits in heat. THIS made it impossible to be freinds and i couldnt go back out with her for the 700th time. history repeats. we will always be what we will become. And now She always winds up hurt by me... i admit to leading her on here and there in the past because it was hard to let it go...but its harder for her to let go. FOR some reason this simple conversation i had with her, catchin up made things all the more clear. i was her first love. And for me that doesnt mean shit as mean as that sounds. ANYONE can be your brand new love. ANY ONE can be your first love. WIll anyone ever have anyone really. WE HAD good times. we HAD bad times. BUT that is the word that is key in those sentences. HAD. She still gets insanely jealous. SHE asked a million questions about who i was dating and what i was doing talked about OUR old times. She tried to tell me about her failed three relationships as if i cared and how she is moved on and quote "ready to be freinds" and blah blah blah. I can still tell She still wants to be with me. She still loves me in a way freinds dont. Sure i do love her but i know better and I dont want to be with her. AND from the looks of it i cant be her freind without hurting her feelings. IT JUST DOESNT WORK. CHEMISTRY IS CHEMISTRY. WHY DO GIRLS WANT TO FORCE SHIT THAT DOESNT WORK TO WORK!??!!? i know we cant be together. IT all sounds so familiar. HOWEVER It was nice for her to bring up a bunch of old people WE use to hang out with. AND now they can all get a hold of me and come hang out. I look forward to meeting her boyfreind. i wish him luck. Girls are fucking idiots. ON a sad note my freind tammy has bone marrow cancer. Sucks. I am sick of freinds dying. i have to go visit her.

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Current Music: F.U.M Subject: skin deep Time: 07:52 am Current Mood: F.U.M

i dont think i have ever hated any one before until now. I dont think i have ever wanted to take back everything nice i ever said before. I dont think i have ever felt so lied to and used and abused and shit on. I hope you get the balls and i hope you get what you deserve. I know how this all ends. You have no heart to be broken. I hope he destroys whats left of you. Good things come to those who wait, I wont be there in the end. You'll find out for yourself. i wont try to make it right or make it understood when i mean nothing to you. I am hearing the same excuses but why piss and moan about love. When all your actually doing in reality is longing for someone. And i can come to grips with what i am. MAybe you should too.

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November 15th, 2004

Current Music: SO long, bitch you did me so wrong, i dont wanna go on, Subject: i hate you. Time: 12:31 pm Current Mood: living without you

the more you put me through, the more it makes me want to come back to you, you say you hate me, i just love you more, you dont want me, i just want you more, i buy you flowers, you throw em at me, i know its sad but its making me happy, the more that you slap me, the more it turns me on cuz you love me, and i love you more. We're both evil in our ways but we cant admit because one of us would have one up on the other so fuck it forget it, but atleast we share this common bond. It hurts that The peices to this puzzle just dont fit, and anybody who thinks they know us dont know shit. YOu look so good when your angry. Its sick but who could predict we'd fight til we both feel regret, hit then turn it out and aplogize, laughter and pain its always the same but when i lay with you theres nothing anyone could say or do.

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November 13th, 2004

Subject: love is mathmatics. Time: 03:25 am

one screw up each means its not going to be 3, just a second chance for both. i figured it out. but it doesnt matter. i know where i stand in every aspect of my life. mistakes. fuck them. i can see how it all goes...nothing is ever over for real...unfortunately only bad things go forever.

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Time: 03:24 am

i lose again.

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November 12th, 2004

Subject: puke. spend some time. Time: 05:06 pm

you dont know how sick you make me. YOU make me fucking sick to my stomache. Everytime i think of you i puke. YOu may not think you do, but you do. If you only knew how much i hated you, for every motherfucking thing you put us fucking through, then i wouldnt be standing here crying over you. PLease dont get me wrong, i am not bitter or mad, its not that i still love you and its not cuz i want you back, but what else can i do, i havent got a clue, i guess i'll just move on i have no choice but to, its just every time i think of you it makes me want to puke. I never thought i'd find, someone to be mine, lord knows i was right cuz you just crossed the line, i never met a girl like you before, still aint got a clue as to who you really are, you said it best yourself. you dont care.

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Time: 03:13 am

i am just a worm on a hook. I am no longer a person but some fucked up prize. this is unfair in every direction. i wish i was dead.

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November 10th, 2004

Current Music: apples are delicious Subject: blink Time: 02:57 pm Current Mood: the letter 2?

i know i am pathetic. YOu got to help me out and i will try not to argue, i have done all i can but she still wants to be left alone, no one likes to drop out, mistakes are hard to un do. i think i am different but i am the same and i am wrong. Dont pull me down, this is where i belong.

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Subject: logs in the pants Time: 02:53 pm

yo mofo be booty yackin you slack and tack em. oh man mofo be laying me up tightly. I be tee chee being it foo. IF YOU DROPPED YOUR KEYS YOU WOULD BEND OVER TOO!

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Current Music: 8? Time: 02:37 pm Current Mood: orange

i am a pop tart. No need to butter me. i have plenty of squirrels for sale. bees are scary man. (subliminal hit removed for it was revealing too much of what i feel) BOTTLED UP AND SOLD for peace of mind. THESE bees will not fly straight. I throw them at the fan. they spit out at meeee. I drilled a hole in the hive. I was thinking i should drill more stuff. power tools are enlightening. I feel like a bottle of distilled vinegar. hahahaha. Gee U knit....hahahaha. god that makes for a disaterous bowel movement in intestine land. WHy is it so dark. is it so hard to say anything to me? i am blinder in one eye. i dont like these little surprises. Pretty soon my arms and legs are going to fall off. ALONE yet smelling as fragerant as a bottle of milk in the sun. I wish i had more to say. BUt i dont feel like spilling my bloody ugly guts to this thing anymore. I am all bloody inside.:)

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November 7th, 2004

Subject: kill the old. Time: 10:22 am

NO one can walk on me. I will cut you. slash / / / / / / . fuckererz. AHhhaahaha. ignorant...no thats ignorant to think i am ever collapsed. I say fuck you! YOU ARE ONLY A PILL! YOU go sleep now. today. i worshipped the pepsi god who drips with caffeine. Thirsty firsty drinky mmmmmmm. SUGAR makes me piss bloooooood!!! bloody blood bleed! Is it wrong to steal from a bitter haggard mean old woman. SHE sneezed on me. Then pushed me. FOR REAL. NO APOLOGY. I had to take her fuckin old bitch ass to school i almost hit her but it would be like punching a mummy and she would die and instead i walked close behind and took her wallet. AH HAHAHAHAHAHA. Mom gave me money. SHe is fucking crazy... man. DUDE. SHe hasnt slept in weeks eiher so we were both retarded. i know where i get this disease. then i stole some cigarettes. even though i had MUMRAS wallet. heee heee. FUCK FUCK FUCK. ahh hahahahaha. i am gonna go throw donuts at nick.

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Current Music: fucking silence, and this mood question is stupid Cant tell? Subject: you might read it, but you wont really read it. subliminal poop massage Time: 02:09 am Current Mood: fuck mood. you should read!!!!

i really feel like i make bad choices in life...meh..if you only could read my brain like a book...however.. I looked through alot of things and realized how fucking boring most people are. I mean fucking god almighty..how boring can anyones life really be. Sure i am pathetic. WAS, USE TO, some part of me dies every time i get THAT close to death. I have come very very close alot. BUT Thats over with. I spent alot of time today talking and reflecting with people and reading things i probably shouldnt have, and really closing up a door i may regret but you have to chance it. BUT yeah. FUCK. i really lost it. The flood gate had broken. Too much blood pressure to my brain. i think i just needed to almost die. impending doom brings back that spark to your life? I wonder how i really got out of that particular ordeal. i think it was nick. he actually did something to stop the..bleeding in a manner of speaking. i feel fine, except i wonder. i wonder too much. QUIET BRAIN OR I WILL DESTROY YOU! YOU DONT OWN ME. ARGH. I am fighting with myself alot now. really. arguing in my mind. Its like i catch what other people have. The mind virus or something. hard to explain. I am not exactly able to. dummy. me dumb! brain damage for real. retarded....reeeetdread....it doesnt take long for me to know someone.i dont even know what i am doing feeling or thinking anymore. i am a terrible addiction. i am not a mess. i think i am really starting to understand these two me's. thats not good. cuz one of me is fucking out of his mind. and one goes down they both go down. okay....my head is swimming. the chlorine is BURNING!!!! no life gaurd...ARGH>>>>.fuck. FUCK i love that word. it is not an expression of my anger.i do not want to be nice. i am tired of being sweet. tired of being this beaten broken abused little kid. last chance or the kid gets it. i am through being this....what i am. i cant sustain any more stress. no more drama. no more bullshit no more lies. no more indulgence. no more laziness and self pity and misery. i am starting over. this suicide is dead. but what the fuck am i without being me. A third me perhaps? another to attatch and drag around? .period. fuck. See. i wish i was drunk. i know, YOU wont ever see this. but i am going to say it to you anyway. You are a nerd but thank you Seven. you are simply ridiculous. Even your name.

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November 6th, 2004

Current Music: ministry - lay lady lay Subject: ode to the cutter Time: 03:11 am Current Mood: thinking thats all

well.....lots of precious blood been lost. i have never been so cut. CLose to death, BUT love is not a knife. I am tired of dying. I am no longer going to do this to me or the people who care. i was wrong. i have been quite wrong about alot of things. i guess we do belive in second chances. I hope its real this time. I will stop all this stupidity simply because I love you. I promise the sky and i will deliver it. I will not fail you. YOur my world and i mean it With all of my broken stabbed messy crazy retarded heart. Be happy. whether its with me or some other extremly lucky guy. YOU deserve it. I will always be here...from now on....this is it. the big chance to fix all that is broken. ANd i will stand by your retarded side, if you stand by mine. Anything for you. YOU just tell me. i will find a way for you.

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November 5th, 2004

Subject: go away Time: 10:32 pm

fuck you. fuck what i thought was you. fuck the lies. fuck the shit you try to feed me to make you feel better. Fuck being freinds. Fuck being yours. FUCK happy. FUCK love. FUCK everything i would and have ever done for you. MOST fucking importantly. LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE. I will fucking self destruct just fine without these extra pushes. Fuck being strong. FUCK being responsible. FUCK BEING shadow boy who waits for nothing. FUCK THIS WORLD AND ALL YOU FAKES. AND FUCK ME FOR TRYING OR EVEN FUCKING THINKING ANYONE COULD CARE ABOUT A FUCKING PEICE OF SHIT LIKE ME. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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